The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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