I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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