You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize