Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
