I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize