Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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