Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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