I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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