i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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