Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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