gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
