I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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