She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
