hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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