At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
wow bdsm is so cute
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
