are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
