you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
