The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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