I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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