I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize