i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
