I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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