Only a mothe r could love this liver
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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