When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize