hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
