I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My cat gives me a boner
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
