you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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