When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
