It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
