I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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