the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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