Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How does one acquire holy water?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
