I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
