i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
