This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
