Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
