ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
