come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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