Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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