Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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