I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
