I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
