apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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