My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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