Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
