My nipple is on Facebook.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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