Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
