Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
