Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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