I faked an abortion last night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
as a side note pls kill me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
