I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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