last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize