The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize