hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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