We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
