So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
