I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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