Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
