I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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