carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
