shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
